I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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