My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
