You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
