I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.