there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
