naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My vagina is officially offended.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
