So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
