im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
