Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
where does the pee come out of this thing
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
