He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
