I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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