My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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