Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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