your room smells of hookers.
And success
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
