Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
