Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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