oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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