I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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