I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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