So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
