I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
