all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
