cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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