I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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