Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
