just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
