Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
