call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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