She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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