his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
