I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
