genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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