Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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