the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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