Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
