It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
