I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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