Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
