well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
