Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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