Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
