I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im holly from the hills drunk
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
