he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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