I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
