i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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