How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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