I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
