she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dicks are not precious.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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