I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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