Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
