God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
