ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
