I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
