We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
