sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
