I wish I could teleport
handjob tips. give me some.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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