Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
