So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
