theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
