Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
