i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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